Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Dear World, Part 2

Two years ago, I wrote this post in which I composed open letters to various people/things in the world to set things straight. I can triumphantly say I effected little to no change with these short missives but it gave me a sense of great personal satisfaction. Enough time has passed that I can safely assume it's time again to share my wisdom with the world. And so here we are.
Dear Canada, 

What with your 'toques' and 'poutine', you're like that crazy cousin from the North whom I don't fully understand but love anyway. You have the means to be a strong opposition to the rest of the first world countries, yet you continue to skip along as the friendly neighbour (spelled that way on purpose) to the world. We Americans make jokes about your love of hockey, flannel shirts, and always saying “sorry”, but in reality we are just jealous that you consistently dress better than us. Seriously, how do you always look so put together.

Your loud and pushy downstairs neighbor,

P.S. Pls send more maple syrup. That fake stuff we call “Mrs. Butterworth’s” is disgusting.
Dear the Weather,

Sorry for always complaining about you. In the last two weeks alone, you’ve been too hot, too cold, too wet, and too dry. As someone who is a fan of days in the temperatures 70 or below, I know I have been particularly whiny this summer. In reality, my very job is dependent on your mood swings. Thanks to the 90 degree temps, people have been buying air conditioners like crazy. What it really comes down to is that we are so privileged in this country to have access to all our wants and needs, we have nothing more substantial to complain about. “I have unlimited access to clean water, a roof over my head, and a steady job but because my lawn is brown, my quality of life is obviously in a downward spiral.”

Just keep doing your thing,

Dear Teenage Girls,

I know your life is full of angst and pain but for crying out loud, stand up straight, cover your bits, and stop sharing every tiny thought and mood swing on Facebook. I know I just got real harsh right there, but your life isn’t over because that boy didn’t text you back. Life is bigger than high school and you’re going to be fine. Now go read a book and for goodness sake, wipe all that junk off your face. Honestly, what would your father say.

Everything on the Internet will live forever,
Everyone else


Dear Waffles,

You are delicious. All of the every of the time.

Je ne regrette rien,
A Hungry Hungry Hippo

P.S. Canada’s bringing the maple syrup.

Dear Chloe, Mateo, Phoenix, Gillis, Greta, Langston, and the as yet unborn Long child,

You are the cutest, funniest, and most intelligent kids in America. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. It’s fact, because it’s on my blog. You should all come over to my house and we can make our own pizzas and finger paint on giant pieces of paper on the floor. Seriously, ask your moms. They can even come too.

Not at all biased,
Your cousin


Dear Geico,

Can we work out a deal where I get a partial refund for every 6 months that I go without once having to cash in on my insurance policy? If yes, make check payable to "Ellie's Travel Fund". Thanks.

Seriously sick of paying you,
A good driver

P.S. So over the gecko. No you were not out helping people save money on their car insurance last night. You were out being a gecko, doing gecko stuff.


Dear Texas,

I miss you. I miss your bluebonnets and wide open spaces. I miss Whole Foods Austin.  I miss eating goat cheese, pesto, and tomato sandwiches with Jilly on the balcony and creeping on the neighbors across the parking lot. I miss reading my book by the Pepper Creek Dam on a Tuesday afternoon. You still have Jilly, Adam, and Hattie and now you have my sister too. It’s not fair. Give them back. Or give me a job so I can live there too.

Disgruntled in the Midwest,


  1. Dear Ellie,
    You are the best Ellie I know. Even if I knew other Ellies.
    And you have an awesome brother named Spencer. Sam is probably awesome, too. But not as much because he didn't sit next to me and show me hymns with his name under the title. I could go on and on about the rest of your sweet family. But maybe I'll leave it at that. Because I'm not a teenager anymore (thankfully!).
    I hope you get a job as wonderful as you are.
    And as far as the weather goes: if it gets too hot, you can read this comment again.
    It's from one of your fans.

  2. Love your post! :) My parents invited the parents-to-be of the unborn Long child over for supper last night!! It's a small small world! :)

  3. This post makes me happy. Please write more like this so I can be even happier.
    K, thanks. :)


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