Two years ago, I wrote this post in which I
composed open letters to various people/things in the world to set things
straight. I can triumphantly say I effected little to no change with these
short missives but it gave me a sense of great personal satisfaction. Enough
time has passed that I can safely assume it's time again to share my wisdom
with the world. And so here we are.
----
Dear Canada,
What with your 'toques'
and 'poutine', you're like that crazy cousin from the North whom I don't fully
understand but love anyway. You have the means to be a strong opposition to the
rest of the first world countries, yet you continue to skip along as the
friendly neighbour (spelled that way on purpose) to the
world. We Americans make jokes about your love of hockey, flannel shirts,
and always saying “sorry”, but in reality we are just jealous that you
consistently dress better than us. Seriously, how do you always look so put
together.
Your loud and pushy
downstairs neighbor,
America
P.S. Pls send more maple
syrup. That fake stuff we call “Mrs. Butterworth’s” is disgusting.
----
Dear the Weather,
Sorry for always complaining
about you. In the last two weeks alone, you’ve been too hot, too cold, too wet,
and too dry. As someone who is a fan of days in the temperatures 70 or below, I
know I have been particularly whiny this summer. In reality, my very job is
dependent on your mood swings. Thanks to the 90 degree temps, people have been
buying air conditioners like crazy. What it really comes down to is that we are
so privileged in this country to have access to all our wants and needs, we
have nothing more substantial to complain about. “I have unlimited access to clean
water, a roof over my head, and a steady job but because my lawn is brown, my
quality of life is obviously in a downward spiral.”
Just keep doing your thing,
Me
----
Dear Teenage Girls,
I know your life is full of
angst and pain but for crying out loud, stand up straight, cover your bits, and
stop sharing every tiny thought and mood swing on Facebook. I know I just got
real harsh right there, but your life isn’t over because that boy didn’t text
you back. Life is bigger than high school and you’re going to be fine. Now go
read a book and for goodness sake, wipe all that junk off your face. Honestly,
what would your father say.
Everything on the Internet
will live forever,
Everyone else
----
Dear Waffles,
You are delicious. All of the every of the time.
Je ne regrette rien,
A Hungry Hungry Hippo
P.S. Canada’s bringing the
maple syrup.
----
Dear Chloe, Mateo, Phoenix, Gillis, Greta, Langston, and the
as yet unborn Long child,
You are the cutest, funniest, and most intelligent kids in
America. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. It’s fact, because it’s on my
blog. You should all come over to my house and we can make our own pizzas and
finger paint on giant pieces of paper on the floor. Seriously, ask your moms.
They can even come too.
Not at all biased,
Your cousin
----
Dear Geico,
Can we work out a deal where I get a partial refund for every 6 months that I go without once having to cash in on my insurance policy? If yes, make check payable to "Ellie's Travel Fund". Thanks.
Seriously sick of paying you,
A good driver
P.S. So over the gecko. No you were not out helping people save money on their car insurance last night. You were out being a gecko, doing gecko stuff.
----
Dear
Texas,
I
miss you. I miss your bluebonnets and wide open spaces. I miss Whole Foods
Austin. I miss eating goat cheese,
pesto, and tomato sandwiches with Jilly on the balcony and creeping on the
neighbors across the parking lot. I miss reading my book by the Pepper Creek
Dam on a Tuesday afternoon. You still have Jilly, Adam, and Hattie and now you have my
sister too. It’s not fair. Give them back. Or give me a job so I can live there
too.
Disgruntled
in the Midwest,
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