Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Ebb and Flow

The hardest thing I think I've learned about grief is that it's not a straight line.
It falls back and springs forward with no regard to the passing of time.

It's completely without form or reason.

Sometimes it's a soft breeze that blows when I come across an old photo. And sometimes it's a gale force wind that takes me by surprise, when I'm lying in bed at night and out of nowhere I remember my last phone conversation with her.  Crystal clear is her gravelly chuckle and the exhaustion in her voice. And suddenly I can't breathe for the pain that's in my throat.

I have to lie perfectly still and wait for the ebb.

I miss you so desperately today, Grammie.
I'm terrified I'm going to forget what it felt like to hug you, or the smell of your perfume.

I just wish the strength of memory outweighed the strength of grief.


  1. So true. I can relate. Hugs. Et bon courage.

    p.s. the other day I read your 'about me' page and found out you were born in Iowa, a place which has a special place in my heart, so then I decided I liked you even more! heeheehee.

  2. it will eventually Ellie .. just hang on tight and the day will come when you can still smell her perfume and smile. I can still smell the wood smoke/coffee/fresh baked bread smell of my Nana with just a slight whiff of rose water. I still long for her hugs now and then or want to call her and tell her something funny that happened, but mostly I just smile when I think of her and am thankful for her wonderful influence on my life. Grief is still so powerful right now, but it does get better I promise.

  3. I miss her too. I miss a lot of people, some who are reachable, some who are not. It's easy to sit here and do nothing but miss everyone.. but then I think about how lucky I am that I have so many wonderful people to miss. xo

  4. thank you all :)

    @Laura: merci! ;) I hope one day we can meet in person!
    @Kelly: thank you for the encouragement. I know it will get better, it's just hard to see it when you're still in the middle.
    @Eva: very true. miss you dear.


I love to hear what you're thinking! Thanks for the comment love. :)


design + development by kiki and co. creative