Dear World

As my post on Facebook helpful hints was so well received, I’m back with more tips and tricks for the world at large. Nothing quite boosts your ego like people quoting your own blog posts back to you! There’s not really a theme for this one, but these are just a few things I’ve noticed in the sagacity that comes from being 22 years old.  I’ve laid these out in short, letter to the editor format. These are addressed to specific people but I think we can all learn valuable lessons:

Dear Pool Moms,

I know he is the apple of your eye, but now would be a good time to tell your son to stop blasting my brother in the face with his triple-barreled Super Soaker Jetstream AK47 water gun.

Regards,

Me

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Dear Pool Grandmas,

It is undeniably impressive that plastic surgery, fake tanning, and what has got to be an unhealthy amount of hair bleach have been able to preserve your body in that near teenage-like state.  Unfortunately, perhaps a string bikini was not the best choice of swimwear.  Please, for the sake of all of us who have eyes, wear a one piece. Think of the children.

Best,

Me

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Dear Recently Graduated and Moved Back Home Neighbor Kid,

If anyone understands you, it’s me. We are in the same boat, pal. Unfortunately, I no longer feel the need to keep college hours. This means I would rather be sleeping at 1:30 a.m. than listen to you lurk under my window, shouting into the phone for an hour. I applaud your consideration of your parents’ sleep schedule. But in the future, please apply that same courtesy to me.

Much Obliged,

Me

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Dear Woman in the Frozen Food Isle,

Let’s be honest. We both know you just passed gas. Instead of exclaiming loudly at the poor quality of the wheels on your shopping cart, own up to it. That kind of self-confidence will carry you far in life.

Respectfully,

Me

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Dear BP and Transocean,

At this point, I don't really care who started it. Put down your lawyers and plug the hole.  You're destroying a fragile ecosystem, many people's livelihoods, and my favorite vacation spot. 

Godspeed,

Me

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Dear Phone Store Employee,

I have the upmost respect for you in your customer service job. But I must admit, my patience is a little thin as I am trying to pry apart the service contract that I apparently lack sufficient government security clearance to understand. Please stop calling me Eely Carloose.  That’s just bad manners.

Thanks,

Me

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Dear Princeton Alum,

Don’t you dare make fun of me and my tshirt-wearing friends enjoying our over-priced ice cream on your old campus. We are not the ones wearing a jacket that looks like what Elton John wore on the cover of his Caribou album.  Judge not lest ye be judged, thankyouverymuch.

Enough said,

Me

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Dear Mercedes SL-Class Owner Passing Me on I-69,

Yes, you have a hot car. Do not take this as an acknowledgement of the frat boy head nod you gave me when you saw me look. I would merely like to point out that your gas cap door is open.

Sincerely,

Me

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 Whew! Sharing all that wisdom leaves me feeling quite refreshed. I could go on all night but you have learned enough for now. Hope one of these nuggets of truth has inspired you. Sleep well, little grasshoppers. You’ve earned it.