The last time I went swimsuit shopping, I was at a mall in Texas with my sister.
We stopped at a place called Everything But Water, which at first glance appeared to be full of fabric samples that you could pick from to have a suit made. Upon closer inspection, the bits of fabric turned out to actually be fully formed suits. We left because neither of us had thought to bring a magnifying glass along.
Next we headed to an activewear store called Athleta, in the hopes that they would have sporty but attractive options. We were in luck! However, they must use the metric system to number their sizes, because what I would fit in in any other store was so comically tight, I had to take a brief nap in the dressing room after prying it off. Also, a store associate barged into my booth while I was changing so obviously I can never return. Not because I'm embarrassed, but because the kaleidoscope of body parts she witnessed will probably never leave her brain, and she needs time to make peace with that.
That was nearly a year ago, and the search is still on. I'm going on a cruise in a couple of weeks and I'd like to go swimming in the ocean at least once without being that person in drippy shorts and a t-shirt.
ugh.
UGH.
Is there a woman alive that enjoys the process? I feel like even the most toned and tanned among us still has body parts that she wishes she could hide, or at least de-emphasize. Even if it's just like, her left knee.
I'm not toned or tanned. I'm white and fleshy, and in a bathing suit,vaguely reminiscent of bread dough left to rise too long in a warm place.
So naturally, I don't spend much time subjecting people to that image.
Weirdly though, I also don't spend a lot of time begin self-conscious. My body is what it is, and putting on a bathing suit doesn't reveal anything people don't already know.
Surprise! I have a tail.
Just kidding.
But I digress. My main issue is with what's available in the swimsuit market --for everyone. There are suits with SO many cute prints and patterns but they're on tiny two piece bikinis, or my personal favorite, the "monokini", which is basically a bikini that they forgot to finish cutting out completely.
There are suits that shape and slenderize and cover completely, but where are the cute prints and patterns for those? Why are we still using garish, poorly placed floral designs in dated colors? As though enormous pink hibiscuses on black fabric are going to distract the observer from the flesh it's struggling to contain.
WHERE IS THE MIDDLE GROUND???
It's not like swimwear companies aren't trying -- there are all kinds of "plus size" lines out there attempting to bridge the gap. The problem is, they're just taking the tiny suits with their plunging necklines and weird cutouts and making them bigger. Which, fine, but personally my wobbly bits aren't here for your sad game of hide and seek.
Or...get this...adding zippers to make the conservative one pieces look more interesting. ZIPPERS. Can you imagine taking a baby to the pool while wearing a swimsuit with a zipper down the front? It'd be 30 seconds before the baby got grabby and someone called the cops to report public indecency.
Basically all I'm asking for in a swimsuit is for it to cover the bits that have never seen the sun without being a) hideous or b) ankle/wrist length burkini in which i tragically die from heat exhaustion.
That's it, you guys. That's all I need.
And I don't want to have to try on 300 more to find it.
Are you out there, magical swimsuit? Let me know.
We stopped at a place called Everything But Water, which at first glance appeared to be full of fabric samples that you could pick from to have a suit made. Upon closer inspection, the bits of fabric turned out to actually be fully formed suits. We left because neither of us had thought to bring a magnifying glass along.
Next we headed to an activewear store called Athleta, in the hopes that they would have sporty but attractive options. We were in luck! However, they must use the metric system to number their sizes, because what I would fit in in any other store was so comically tight, I had to take a brief nap in the dressing room after prying it off. Also, a store associate barged into my booth while I was changing so obviously I can never return. Not because I'm embarrassed, but because the kaleidoscope of body parts she witnessed will probably never leave her brain, and she needs time to make peace with that.
That was nearly a year ago, and the search is still on. I'm going on a cruise in a couple of weeks and I'd like to go swimming in the ocean at least once without being that person in drippy shorts and a t-shirt.
ugh.
UGH.
Is there a woman alive that enjoys the process? I feel like even the most toned and tanned among us still has body parts that she wishes she could hide, or at least de-emphasize. Even if it's just like, her left knee.
I'm not toned or tanned. I'm white and fleshy, and in a bathing suit,vaguely reminiscent of bread dough left to rise too long in a warm place.
So naturally, I don't spend much time subjecting people to that image.
Weirdly though, I also don't spend a lot of time begin self-conscious. My body is what it is, and putting on a bathing suit doesn't reveal anything people don't already know.
Surprise! I have a tail.
Just kidding.
But I digress. My main issue is with what's available in the swimsuit market --for everyone. There are suits with SO many cute prints and patterns but they're on tiny two piece bikinis, or my personal favorite, the "monokini", which is basically a bikini that they forgot to finish cutting out completely.
There are suits that shape and slenderize and cover completely, but where are the cute prints and patterns for those? Why are we still using garish, poorly placed floral designs in dated colors? As though enormous pink hibiscuses on black fabric are going to distract the observer from the flesh it's struggling to contain.
WHERE IS THE MIDDLE GROUND???
It's not like swimwear companies aren't trying -- there are all kinds of "plus size" lines out there attempting to bridge the gap. The problem is, they're just taking the tiny suits with their plunging necklines and weird cutouts and making them bigger. Which, fine, but personally my wobbly bits aren't here for your sad game of hide and seek.
Or...get this...adding zippers to make the conservative one pieces look more interesting. ZIPPERS. Can you imagine taking a baby to the pool while wearing a swimsuit with a zipper down the front? It'd be 30 seconds before the baby got grabby and someone called the cops to report public indecency.
Basically all I'm asking for in a swimsuit is for it to cover the bits that have never seen the sun without being a) hideous or b) ankle/wrist length burkini in which i tragically die from heat exhaustion.
That's it, you guys. That's all I need.
And I don't want to have to try on 300 more to find it.
Are you out there, magical swimsuit? Let me know.
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Bathing suits and I are not friends. Try as I might it just doesn’t work out. Have you tried pairing a swim suit with a rash guard? They offer great coverage without making you look like an old fuddy duddy.
ReplyDeleteI almost bought a swimsuit with a zipper down the front for the sake of nursing. It honestly didn't occur to me that Vera could pull the zipper down herself. Haha! I just ordered 2 from a store in Utah.. Fingers crossed!
ReplyDelete