The Last Twinkie in South Milford

The following is a piece I wrote for the company newsletter, after finding a lone Twinkie in the break room the other day. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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Due to the recent Hostess shut-down, supplies of America’s favorite snack cake are quickly dwindling across the nation.  Hordes of people are flocking to the nearest grocery and convenience stores to stock up on their favorite Hostess products.  “It’s a sad day for this country,” said Frank Heraldo, a stock boy at the Kendallville Kroger, “Fat cat CEOs on Wall Street are lining their pockets but there’s no bailout for my Twinkies? It’s disgusting!” 

Heraldo’s sentiments are shared by many across the tri-county area. Trisha Bates, Head Party Planner at a local unnamed contractor company, shook her head sadly when asked about the situation. “The Hostess liquidation/shutdown is basically the Vietnam of this generation.  We are struggling to reorganize our menu for the annual Christmas party.”

Francine Rogers, a local woman with a keen eye for market trends saw this crisis coming.  In anticipation of the event, she purchased a supply of Hostess products well before the entanglement came to a head.  In fact, she was seen munching a Ding Dong the moment the news of the shutdown came over the wire. Unfortunately, her stock was depleted before she could get everything into the vault.

There is one bright spot in all of this: we here at Seriously Real News, Inc. have confirmed reports of one remaining Twinkie from Rogers’ pantry existing in the town of South Milford. It is for sale to the highest bidder and is currently under armed guard at an undisclosed location. Bidding starts at $500.00, cash only. Operators are standing by to take your call at (***)***-****.

This is a defining moment in our snack culture, folks. What this means for our other favorite producers of high-calorie, low-quality foods is uncertain.  We are hoping and praying that Little Debbie remains stable in the aftermath of the catastrophe.  In the meantime, local officials advise eating a piece of fruit in case of feeling faint. 

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It goes without saying how terrible it is that 18,000 people lost their jobs but what are your thoughts, will you miss your Hostess snack cakes?